Acidity of Regret Ch 109
- Mar 1
- 7 min read
Declan experienced the anxiety radiating from Carter and his subordinates firsthand. He felt the precarious atmosphere hanging over him more acutely than anyone else.
Whenever he woke in the morning to the throbbing pain spreading across his neck, he often thought: I might actually die like this.
If watching her from the shadows reduced him to this state, what would happen if he couldn't see her at all?
Were it not for the obligation born of love—the need to ensure her safety—he might have closed his eyes forever long ago.
[Declan] "I am terrified you might harbor dark thoughts. I fear that even if you smile today, tomorrow might be different. I worry that the will to live you found today might vanish tomorrow without a trace. Just thinking about it makes it impossible to breathe."
[Vanessa] "......"
[Declan] "Resent me. Never forgive me. Just let me stay by your side."
[Vanessa] "......"
[Declan] "I only need to check that you are safe......"
The blanket draped over her shoulder grew damp. He buried his face there.
Despite his frame dwarfing hers, the posture resembled her embracing him. Though she sat on his lap, he leaned his weight entirely against her, pouring out the layers of secret agony he had stacked up over time.
He hadn't intended to unleash it. He had tried to hide this pathetic side of himself, fearing she would grow sick of him, but her sharp words had poked the wound, causing the emotions to spill through the cracks. The jagged scars on the back of his neck proved these were not crocodile tears.
She held him as he crumbled against her and whispered.
[Vanessa] "Why are you doing this to me?"
[Declan] "......"
[Vanessa] "What am I to you......"
His current state resembled a man frantically searching for a lost treasure within the ruins he had created himself.
No, she wasn't even sure if she was a treasure. Was she really a figure of such immense, affectionate significance to him?
[Declan] "I love you."
As if to dissolve the doubt nesting in her heart, he vomited out a voice soaked in moisture.
[Declan] "You said it yourself. You claimed this wasn't love, but merely inferiority toward Hayden."
She had. That was the part of their relationship that had made her feel most miserable and shabby. It meant that even the moments she thought their hearts had connected were nothing but deception.
Declan had been blinded just like her, but his blindness stemmed from revenge, not love.
[Declan] "I don't care about Hayden anymore. Whether that bastard is happy or miserable is none of my concern."
He defined his emotions firmly, as if desperate to deny her misery.
[Declan] "So, it is correct that I love you."
It was a belated realization. In truth, from the moment he returned to the past—no, even before that—revenge against Hayden had been a mere excuse.
It had been love from the start.
Love.
He had knelt before that uncontrollable emotion long ago. Because he hadn't poured it out, the crimson feeling had pooled inside him like stagnant water, eating him away.
He couldn't shake the feeling that he was being swayed by it. It felt as if he weren't himself, as if his head and heart played by different rules.
It was exactly as his mother had said. When he was ignorant, it was uncomfortable; when he realized it, he was bewildered; and now, it was agonizing.
[Declan] "I didn't know my place...... I am sorry for loving you."
The self-deprecation following the confession flowed naturally.
It was difficult to express his plight in a single sentence, yet he managed it.
"Someone like me, not knowing my place, sorry for loving you."
That one sentence defined the relationship between the two of them entirely.
His confession ended there.
From within his broad embrace, holding him in return, Vanessa looked out of the cave without answering. Over the landscape where only the quiet sea surface stretched out, white snow began to fall softly.
It was the first snow of the year.
The pristine flakes, spotless and pure, fell endlessly like his tears, eventually vanishing into the ocean depths.
Declan stroked the small head resting on his broad shoulder with extreme care. The corners of his eyes stung as he blinked slowly, likely due to the tears he had shed earlier. Nevertheless, he spared no thought for his own body, cherishing only the woman in his arms.
Vanessa did not answer his confession of love.
She didn't laugh scornfully as she had before, but she didn't show any positive reaction either. She held him as he wept shamelessly. Of course, that was likely due to their position—huddled together to ward off the cold—rather than a desire to comfort him.
But what did it matter if she didn't hug him back?
Declan was profoundly moved by the mere fact that she hadn't pushed him away. That she hadn't denied his feelings... with a bit of exaggeration, he felt he could die without regrets.
As they waited out the dawn together, Vanessa eventually succumbed to the grueling situation and drifted into a sudden sleep. Considering she was in front of him, she must have held on until she hit her absolute limit.
While the day brightened, he didn't relax his guard for a second, like a beast protecting its master from threats. Yet, he couldn't tear his eyes away from Vanessa, nestled in his arms.
Seeing her sleeping soundly in his embrace reminded him of moments from the past. The days when he had been arrogant and haughty, acting like a fool because he knew nothing of his own heart.
Long after she fell asleep, he occasionally placed his hand beneath her nose. It was to reconfirm that she was merely sleeping. Otherwise, he couldn't suppress the anxiety that periodically stabbed at his heart.
[Shiron] "…Ha! Your Grace!"
Suddenly, a presence approached from outside.
The moonlight had vanished. In its place, the sun began to reveal itself from the east, brightening the world outside the cave. He hadn't even realized morning had come while watching over the sleeping Vanessa.
[Shiron] "Grand Duke!"
Shiron's urgent voice echoed in the relatively dark cave. Stepping inside to scan the interior, the knight soon discovered Declan leaning against the wall and burst out with a deep sigh of relief.
[Shiron] "Are you safe?"
[Declan] "Shh."
[Shiron] "Pardon?"
Declan raised a finger to his lips, silencing the noisy knight.
Shiron, confused, only discovered Vanessa sleeping in his master's arms a beat later and clamped his mouth shut.
[Declan] "Close your eyes."
Shiron obeyed the command without question.
In the meantime, Declan unwrapped the blanket covering them and bundled Vanessa tightly within it. He carefully laid her down on the straw pile so she wouldn't wake.
[Declan] "Give me those clothes."
[Shiron] "Yes. But why......"
Shiron looked at his naked superior with questioning eyes as the blanket was removed. His gaze naturally drifted to the dress lying beside Declan's clothes. His pupils rolled fiercely as he imagined all sorts of useless things.
[Declan] "The wet clothes showed no sign of drying, so I took them off."
[Shiron] "…I apologize. I should have found you sooner."
Declan swallowed his denial.
To Vanessa, the time endured in the cave might have been sheer hardship, but for him, it was different. Thanks to the delay, he could fill his eyes with her until he was sick of it, and he could share body heat with her more than necessary.
It was ecstatic. It was a heaven too short, allowed for only a single night.
Declan dressed in the still-damp clothes without complaint. Shiron quickly took off his thick fur robe and draped it over his master's shoulders.
[Declan] "Do you have a spare robe?"
[Shiron] "Yes, wait a moment."
Shiron hurried to the boat docked at the cave entrance. Declan took the robe he brought back and covered the sleeping Vanessa.
She was already wrapped in a blanket, but he feared she might still be cold. She had been in the freezing outdoors in a poor state for far too long.
Shortly after, Declan lifted her effortlessly.
[Shiron] "I will carry her. Your Grace, the injury on your left hand is still......"
[Declan] "It doesn't matter."
He would rather his hand shatter than entrust her to another man. He didn't allow any rebuttal and adjusted his hold on her firmly.
[Shiron] "Where shall we go?"
[Declan] "......To the Evarn estate."
He barely managed to swallow the urge to whisk her away to the Duchy right then and there. No, not barely—he held it back with death-defying effort.
As they boarded the boat, Vanessa frowned slightly, perhaps dazzled by the seeping light.
Declan created a shade over her forehead with his hand and looked up at the sky, where snow still fell.
[Vanessa] "Just act like you used to. Don't pretend to be someone else now."
Hearing those words gave him the certainty that at least he wasn't acting as selfishly as before.
For now, that was enough.
The sins he had to atone for were still piled high. Perhaps if he paid the price for his sins, which would likely come as new pain in every moment, the tightly closed door of her heart might open just a little.
Because he had destroyed everything once, he felt no greed to hasten that time. Rather, he became exceedingly cautious, fearing that his mistakes might destroy everything again, leaving only scattered ruins.
What he wanted was for the result to be the opening of Vanessa's heart, no matter how much time it took, even if the gap was only wide enough to fit a single finger.
[Declan] "…A little."
He suddenly spoke as he watched the water slicing rapidly past the bow.
[Shiron] "Pardon?"
[Declan] "Tell them to go a little slower."
Even if his mind accepted it, it seemed he couldn't completely erase his impatience.
The return to daily life was regrettable. The happiness of being stuck to her was something he could only enjoy in special situations like this.
He left a stolen kiss on her forehead as she leaned against his chest, praying that this time would last even a little longer.
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