Acidity of Regret Ch 119
- Mar 2
- 7 min read
To him, this punishment offered a sweeter fate than living safely without ever seeing her again. Even if she stabbed him and inflicted a fatal wound, he would offer his body countless times if it rescued her from her drowning sorrow.
[Declan] "I wish I could bleed exactly as much as you cried. If that alone could buy my atonement."
As she stood frozen, he personally unsheathed the dagger for her. Then, like a sinner awaiting execution, he knelt on his other leg and settled into the dirt.
His face, anticipating the impending agony, remained completely stoic. He displayed absolutely no tension or fear.
Vanessa, paralyzed by panic, gradually regained her senses and stared down at the blade in her hand. In the past, the mere sight of a sharp weapon made her flinch. Now, perhaps dulled alongside her diluted memories, she stood entirely indifferent.
The lethal aura of the blade flashing in the sunlight demanded attention. Even at a passing glance, it boasted a masterfully honed edge.
Remaining still for a moment, Vanessa abruptly raised it high. The vicious tip, looking sharp enough to shred skin at a mere caress, emitted a brilliant, iridescent gleam.
Swish—
Deliberately aiming for his throat, she brought her hand down until it hovered a hairsbreadth away. The flashing blade halted right in front of his vein-corded neck.
Throughout the entire motion, Declan refused to flinch.
He merely squeezed his eyes shut to spare her any guilt. It served as ironclad proof that no hypocrisy or deceit tainted his actions. He genuinely waited for her to strike him down and find peace.
[Vanessa] "......Ha."
Observing his absolute surrender, she scoffed and tossed the dagger carelessly aside.
Unleashing the dark emotions brimming at the crown of her head brought zero relief. As always, it merely drained her energy. It served as a stark reminder that hatred and resentment were toxic energies designed to torture both the target and the wielder. It always left behind an unclean, lukewarm, and bitter aftertaste.
Genuinely despising someone demanded an exhausting amount of effort.
Meanwhile, driven by his love for her, this man conquered the grueling emotion of inferiority a long time ago.
Hadn't his own lips confessed it? He no longer cared what happened to Hayden.
Therefore, she remained the only one floundering in that treacherous sea of hostility. Perhaps that explained the suffocating agony.
[Vanessa] "...What would you have done if I actually stabbed you?"
At her tear-soaked whisper, he slowly lifted his eyelids. His blue eyes held absolutely no fear.
[Declan] "That's why I gave it to you."
[Vanessa] "......"
[Declan] "I already decided to die once, back when you were about to marry Hayden. I absolutely lacked the confidence to watch it happen with my own eyes. I knew I couldn't endure it."
[Vanessa] "......"
[Declan] "I ended up surviving like this, but my heart remains the same as back then."
[Vanessa] "......"
[Declan] "So my life belongs to you. No one can say a word, no matter what you choose to do with it."
Pawning one's life by baring such raw devotion proved a foolish gamble. However, to him, she no longer represented someone to weigh on a scale of logic.
Far from calculating his losses, he burned with anxiety every single day over his inability to convey his love. Compared to that torment, this offering equated to a meager, insignificant confession.
Suddenly, she lost all strength in her legs and collapsed into the sand. Hearing his past resolve to die sent her heart plummeting. It required very little thought to pinpoint exactly when 'back then' occurred.
The battle against the demonic beasts. the catastrophic injury that allegedly dragged him to the brink of death.
Did he deliberately sustain that damage in a state of absolute resignation?
The massive scar on his chest she uncovered in the cave—did it serve as clear evidence of his attempt to abandon reality because he refused to abandon her......?
Reaching that conclusion, she failed to suppress a hollow laugh.
[Vanessa] "...You are an idiot."
[Declan] "I know."
[Vanessa] "Utterly foolish, pathetic, and stupid."
[Declan] "Are those words even harsh enough? I am an absolute moron and a certified lunatic."
Heavy silence trailed his biting self-deprecation.
Staring at him with reddened eyes, she scoffed once more. While her previous c targeted him, this one rebounded straight onto herself.
[Vanessa] "And me too."
[Declan] "......"
[Vanessa] "I think I'm the same......"
Idiotic, foolish, pathetic, and stupid.
Taking it a step further, practically insane.
Right now, she could not deny that every single descriptor applied equally to her.
She roughly wiped her still-damp cheeks. Without the aid of a mirror, she easily envisioned her wretched complexion.
Beneath the wreckage left by the roaring storm of her emotions, reason finally raised its head.
[Vanessa] "My father is visiting the mansion, so I don't want to show him a face like this."
Declan interpreted the underlying meaning behind her words more sharply than anyone.
Vanessa attempted to push herself up, but her drained energy made the task monumental.
Silently observing her struggle, he requested permission before sweeping her effortlessly into his arms.
Resting quietly in his embrace, she gripped his shoulder. He halted his brisk strides. Upon resuming his march, his pace dropped significantly.
Crackle, crackle. The fireplace flames roared fiercely.
The blazing blue and crimson embers mirrored her ancient love for him. Alternatively, they resembled that vicious era when they tore at each other the second their eyes met.
Taking it further, the fire evoked his love—ignited from a faint spark Declan himself failed to recognize, now burning fiercely into an unquenchable inferno.
The wavering flames perfectly encapsulated the relationship between two people who weathered endless storms to reach this exact room.
Sitting on the sofa, Vanessa stared down at the man kneeling at her feet. Ignoring her protests to manage it herself, Declan personally removed her shoes and wiped the grime from her bare feet.
He assumed this exact posture in the past. Back then, he clamped iron shackles around her ankles; today, he merely pressed a water-soaked silk towel gently against her skin.
She observed the ritual for a long time before speaking.
[Vanessa] "I am returning to the capital now."
The hand wiping the coarse sand from her flesh froze.
[Vanessa] "It has already been three years."
Setting the towel aside, he slowly lifted his head. Unlike his presumably racing heartbeat, his gaze shifted at a glacial pace.
[Vanessa] "So I must return to my proper place."
When their eyes finally locked, the memory of bidding him farewell before arriving at this estate struck her. Chewing on the emotions of that specific moment, she hesitated. Intuition warned her that she must witness this man's despair up close once again.
[Vanessa] "This time, too, I prefer you do not come looking for me."
His expression revealed no drastic shift. At least, far less than it did three years ago. However, his weakly quivering pupils proved he barely held back his crumbling sanity.
Overwhelmed, Vanessa forced herself to hold his gaze.
[Vanessa] "I tried countless methods to excise you from my life. I used another man, spat harsh words I rarely speak, and genuinely bid you farewell."
[Declan] "......"
[Vanessa] "Yet I failed every single time."
[Declan] "......"
[Vanessa] "So I tried to leave you as a permanent object of hatred, but I realized I cannot even manage that. You will never give up on me. You will constantly hover around, shaking my resolve under the guise of seeking forgiveness. Perhaps that is why carving you out of my future feels entirely impossible."
[Declan] "...Vanessa."
[Vanessa] "So give me some time."
His chest expanded violently. He sucked in a massive breath of tension.
Fidgeting with her fingers in her lap, she painfully dragged out the words she hoarded deep in her heart.
[Vanessa] "This time...... I will practice forgiving you."
[Declan] "......"
[Vanessa] "It will be a difficult task. As you well know, the resentment rooted in my heart against you is not exactly shallow."
[Declan] "......"
[Vanessa] "However, these days I do not even understand my own emotions. One day, I despise you completely, and the next day I feel a deep affection. Then I randomly obsess over your well-being, only to want to ignore you entirely by the following morning."
Currently, her heart drifted aimlessly like a lost rowboat. It housed a potent blend of love and hate, striking an absolute balance between affection and resentment.
It proved a bizarre phenomenon. She assumed she purged every last ounce of affection, yet perhaps the overwhelming density of her hatred merely masked it all along......
Regardless of the truth, she knew full well that the uncomfortable sensation churning in her chest these past few days mirrored her lingering affection. Having once sunk deep into that inescapable, swamp-like emotion despite all her thrashing, she could not feign ignorance.
[Vanessa] "Failure naturally shadows practice, so my attempt at forgiveness might fail as well. I mean, this relationship could end in vain after nothing but endless waiting."
[Declan] "......"
[Vanessa] "Will you still wait? Even if the moment I finally forgive you never arrives."
Forgiving him represented a monumental lack of confidence for Vanessa. As a target she once desperately sought to erase from her existence, forgiveness never even crossed her mind.
However, the moment finally arrived when the man's nearly three years of devotion shone through. Without her even realizing it, her frozen heart thawed little by little, melted by the lingering warmth they shared in the past.
Of course, she made no definitive decision to grant him forgiveness yet. Therefore, he would have to endure, wait, and strive for an even longer time moving forward.
Right now, Vanessa posed an indirect question:
Am I a person worth agonizing over to such desperate lengths?
[Declan] "Willingly."
And he answered without a single ounce of hesitation.
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