TSMMT Ch 179

True Feelings

Her mind went cold and still. Dianna clenched her fists, barely forcing the words past her throat.

[Dianna] "How did you know?"

[Guiscard] "I had dreams from the moment I locked eyes with that bastard. After I was drenched in blood, they became even more vivid."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "Yes, a bizarre dream. I was him, and you were Dianna Brienne."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "Just as you described, a foolish girl at that age."

She looked up at the man pinning her down. A suffocating, cruel silence settled between them.

Rain pattered against the windowpane outside, or perhaps it was the sound of his falling tears.

[Guiscard] "I learned how much you loved him... how radiantly you smiled when you were young."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "Even after marrying him, I saw how desperately you yearned for him."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "He never noticed. That bastard was a damned fool. But I knew."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "I was your slave. I knew every expression you made for every emotion you felt. Dammit."

Dianna gazed at his contorted face. Savage as he seemed, he was pathetic as a wounded animal.

He knew. He had discovered everything.

Tears spilled from his eyes. Instinctively, Dianna reached out to touch his face, but he slapped her hand away. She stared blankly at her stinging palm.

[Guiscard] "You are the Dianna from that dream. Your expression when you first saw me was different back then. You... you experienced this world all over again."

Her hand stung from the blow. She lowered her gaze, then looked back into his blazing, wounded eyes. His gaze felt almost suffocating.

His deduction was correct. Though she didn't know the exact details of his dreams. He had witnessed the past: her true history and her blood-soaked life.

He whispered

[Guiscard] "Tell me, how was I back then?"

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "No, there's no need to ask. I was indisputably scum."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "How does it feel to tame a monster like me to your liking? Is my young mistress satisfied with this?"

Sweet, seductive malice dripped from his voice.

His fingers caressed her skin, digging into her neck until a low groan escaped her lips. His rough hands slid over her thighs beneath her hitched skirt.

[Guiscard] "Why? I was just a substitute for him, wasn't I? It must have been quite thrilling."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "It must have been entertaining, wasn't it? Compared to what he did, I became so tame."

A twisted expression framed his face as he spat poison.

[Guiscard] "Did he touch you like this?"

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "Did he covet your lips like this?"

He stroked her lips.

[Guiscard] "He must have craved your body, devouring you like a monster without hesitation."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "Tell me, My Lady... do you know what I... what I..."

He trailed off, but the agonizing scream beneath his silence echoed clearly.

Dianna bit her lip as tears trickled down her face.

In a sense, this too was a form of violence. She had tried to reshape another Guiscard to fit her desires, attempting to fulfill an unfinished love through the present man.

And how did it feel from his perspective?

He believed they shared a mutual love, only to discover she loved another version of himself: a man from a world he knew nothing about, whom she had met first and loved first, before returning to act as if they were meeting anew.

Dianna looked at the man pinning her down as he struggled under the weight of his own agony.

He was unbuttoning her dress. That was his weakness: even while pouring out his resentment, he craved her warmth, aching to entwine their flesh and breath.

He was helplessly weak for her.

She stared blankly at the ceiling and finally spoke.

[Dianna] "Are you finished talking?"

Her voice sounded bone-chillingly cold.

His hands froze. She sat up, clutching her slipping clothes to her chest.

He remained silent. Whether he was intimidated by her icy expression or not, she couldn't tell.

For the first time, Dianna revealed her broken self. With a somber face and a shattered smile, she confronted him, completely exposed.

[Dianna] "This is why I said nothing."

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "Because a truth like this... is utterly useless."

She fastened her buttons and fixed him with a frigid glare. She looked toward the ceiling with tear-filled eyes, sorting through her chaotic thoughts.

[Dianna] "I..."

How should she explain it? Where should she even begin? She deliberated until the words spilled uncontrollably from her mouth.

[Dianna] "Am I... supposed to apologize?"

As she spoke, her voice sounded like a stranger's. She maintained a cold facade before Guiscard's despairing face and pressed on.

[Dianna] "If you know the truth, it means you saw what was done to me."

She gasped for air.

[Dianna] "You saw how I lived!"

Anger surged across her face, contorting her features.

[Dianna] "You saw that I... that I!"

She gritted her teeth and shouted.

[Dianna] "Knowing I lived through such a hellish nightmare beside that bastard, you're sitting there telling me I didn't love you?!"

She didn't know what else to say. Complex, ugly emotions twisted inside her. It must look ridiculous to deceive him, only to fly into a rage herself. Yet this was her honest truth. The Guiscard before her was not the direct perpetrator.

I know. I know I am in the wrong.

Yet even after witnessing my life, how can you say such things?

He was not demanding an apology. He was enraged that she had not truly loved him, casting her suffering aside in his anger.

[Dianna] "You think I didn't commit suicide because I loved him?! I DID commit suicide! I took poison and died when jumping failed! I DIED!"

It had been a foolish life, a devotion never returned. No, calling it "returned" was a luxury. It was desolate, lonely, and agonizing.

[Dianna] "Does that feel like such a betrayal to you?! How dare you claim my survival was proof of love?! Does that hurt your feelings?!"

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "I... I felt like I was dying every single day! Even knowing what happened to me...!"

His eyes widened, his expression freezing at the word suicide. Evidently, he had not known about her suicide. But what did she care?

She understood his feelings. He had every right to be hurt. She ought to apologize for deceiving him and offer her sincere regret.

Yet why can't I bear this? Why does this hurt so much?

Dianna suppressed her swirling emotions and managed an apology.

[Dianna] "Fine, I apologize for not telling you from the start."

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "I deceived you. Yes, perhaps I tried to reshape you to my liking. I wanted to stop you. I wanted to prevent you from slaughtering my family and my house!"

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "Knowing it was doomed to fail, I tried not to get involved with you! I didn't want to repeat a miserable life!"

She clutched her head with both hands and cried out in anguish.

[Dianna] "That's why I didn't want things to work out between us! I never wished for a life with you!"

Whatever expression he wore no longer mattered. Dianna stood on the verge of madness. She had always prioritized others over her own feelings, but right now, she refused to prioritize his.

[Dianna] "You dragged me there! You locked me away when I begged you not to! You acted EXACTLY like him!"

She clamped her hand over her mouth as sob after sob escaped her lips. She tried to swallow them, but they kept bursting through.

Was it resentment? Betrayal? She understood that he had every right to feel betrayed.

In the end, it was selfish of her, putting her own feelings first. That was why she had grown even more emotional than him, venting her fury upon him.

Dianna sobbed. It was appalling. Utterly appalling.

She stood up and stared blankly at his face.

There would be no beautiful reunion for them. Whether they crossed deep seas, subterranean depths, or snowy mountains, their love was built upon lies. It could never bear fruit.

Thus, this love should never have existed in the first place. Dianna recognized the finality of their bond.

She turned her back and walked toward the door. Once she crossed that threshold, she would never see Guiscard again. They would live as strangers.

Just then, he grabbed her hand.

[Guiscard] "Don't go."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "Don't go, Ann."

[Dianna] "..."

His grip was desperate. She gasped for air and turned back. Both of them were a complete mess, their faces stained with tears, a tragic sight beyond words.

[Guiscard] "I'm sorry."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "I'm... I'm sorry."

She turned completely around to face him.

Though he had become king, Guiscard remained bound to her: a pitiful man who had yet to escape his days as a slave.

I was in the wrong. I am certainly at fault.

[Dianna] "No, Guiscard. I am sorry."

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "I... I kept everything from you. Yes, I deceived you."

She poured out her emotions and lowered her eyes, tears staining her cheeks once more.

She was exhausted. Exhausted by everything: her husband standing here, the Guiscard of this world, all of it.

She wanted to escape. A few more steps and she could be free from it all. Yet she halted, acutely aware of the room and the man standing behind her.

In the end, she clenched her fists tightly. She resolved to live more actively. Never again would she leave words unsaid out of premature surrender.

In her past life, she had committed suicide because neither of them could take a single step toward the other. She hadn't tried. She hadn't even attempted to try. That failure had turned into lingering regret and remorse.

She refused to live such a foolish life again. So she spoke, determined to convey her true heart even if he rejected her.

[Dianna] "I won't deny that it influenced me. In fact, that's why I was so acutely aware of you."

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "Did I love him? Yes. I loved that man, quite literally."

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "But Guiscard..."

She took a step toward him. She wanted him to understand the difference between that past man and himself. Present Dianna could embrace Guiscard, soaking in his warmth to her heart's content.

[Dianna] "If you hadn't tried to set me free back then... if you hadn't told me you were letting me go because you loved me, I never would have stayed by your side."

She refused to regret missing that single, crucial step ever again.

[Dianna] "I can speak to you like this now."

In her past life, Dianna had addressed Guiscard with strict formality, but not anymore.

[Dianna] "I chose to be here."

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "I... was trying to save you."

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "And that's why, even now, I want to stay by your side."

Tears brimmed in her eyes. Her voice trembled as she looked at him.

[Dianna] "I don't know... I just don't want you to be angry with me."

[Guiscard] "..."

[Dianna] "I just want you to love me. That is my true heart."

Ultimately, this was the truth, a pathetic, humble truth completely devoid of falsehood.

Guiscard wrapped his arms around her waist, a faint gasp escaping him as he pulled her close. He held her tight, almost painfully so, until their heartbeats echoed as one.

He whispered to her.

[Guiscard] "So do I."

[Dianna] "..."

[Guiscard] "So do I, Ann."

Both Dianna and Guiscard knew this was not a complete solution to all their troubles. Yet neither backed down, nor did they blame or reject one another.

Here, only truth and love remained.

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