Acidity of Regret Ch 50
- Jan 7
- 8 min read
The realization struck her with a violent clarity.
Declan viewed her current struggle—the life she was desperately trying to navigate after her return—as nothing more than a passing whim. It was evident in the way he still treated her like a wife he had safely locked away in a gilded cage.
The resentment that had been simmering in her gut boiled over instantly.
She shoved him away with all her might. Taking advantage of the moment he was caught off balance, she scrambled to her feet.
[Vanessa] "A spite?"
The word was absurd, no matter how many times she turned it over in her mind.
She had once believed he might change, but he was undeniably beyond redemption. A lost cause. A monster.
She stood tall and glared down at him as he began to rise, her expression more sincere in its hatred than ever before.
[Vanessa] "Even if it is only to shatter that arrogant judgment of yours, I will marry Hayden."
At her resolute declaration, his eyes grew predatory once more.
[Declan] "If you are so curious to see how I will react, then by all means, proceed."
[Vanessa] "What will you do? Destroy my family again?"
A cold, mirthless smile touched her lips.
[Vanessa] "Even if you break me again that way, it will never be like before."
There was not a single moment of her past—the time she had spent loving him—that was not a source of absolute shame.
[Vanessa] "Because I will never, under any circumstances, love you again."
The love she had once held for him felt like a sin, a curse she had finally broken. She would never again be so foolish as to lose her heart to the man who had dragged her family into the abyss.
The nectar that had once filled her heart had turned beyond bitter; it was now so sour it made her skin crawl. She was revolted by the very thought of it.
This was exactly why she had tried to avoid speaking with him. This was why she had tried to stay away. Being in his presence drained her of more emotion than she could afford to lose. The energy required to deal with someone she no longer wished to care about was far too great.
She had returned to this life to savor happiness, yet every encounter with him filled her with nothing but resentment and rage. She hated being cloaked in such negativity from head to toe.
Vanessa turned away, feeling that even the strength required to glare at him was a waste.
She made a move to leave the dining hall immediately, but her escape was cut short as Declan lunged forward, his hand snaking around her wrist to pull her back.
[Declan] "If you do not give this up, I will ruin that marriage myself."
A sharp, jagged emotion that bordered on madness flickered in his pupils.
She let out a weak, hollow laugh that had been building in her throat.
Instead of trying to push against his immovable chest, she simply stepped back. His brow furrowed slightly as he watched her retreat.
[Vanessa] "I think you are mistaken about something."
[Declan] "..."
[Vanessa] "Even if I do not marry Hayden, that does not mean the road leads back to you."
[Declan] "..."
[Vanessa] "I told you. I will never—"
Suddenly, an image of cold, dried bloodstains on a white bedsheet flashed before her eyes.
The only trace her baby had left in this world. The final, desperate mark of a life that had flickered out before ever seeing the light of day. The despair and agony she had felt then surged up from her feet, accompanied by a wave of pure loathing.
She looked at him, her heart now frozen solid.
[Vanessa] "I will never stay by your side."
After offering a hasty excuse to the palace attendants about feeling unwell, Vanessa returned straight to the count’s estate. Even as she fled the palace, she was plagued by the fear that he might chase after her and seize her once more.
[Dina] "My Lady, you’re back already?"
Her maid, Dina, hurried over to shade her with a parasol as she stepped down from the carriage. Perhaps because of the confrontation with Declan, she found she didn't even have the energy to return Dina's cheerful greeting.
[Vanessa] "Where is my father?"
[Dina] "He is in his study, My Lady."
She had intended to go straight to her bedroom, but she changed her mind and turned toward the Count’s study.
Since her return, Vanessa made it a point to spend time with the Count every single day. The duration didn't matter. Having realized how suddenly and cruelly the moment of ruin could arrive, she found her current days to be actually precious beyond measure.
Why didn't I spend more time with him? Why didn't I look at his face just one more time?
The regrets she had felt after her father’s death were her constant companions.
Entering the main hall, she stopped in front of the large portrait hanging above the staircase. It depicted the Count and Countess with Vanessa as an infant. There was nothing unusual about it; she had grown up looking at that painting every day.
Yet, since coming back, she found herself hesitating whenever she saw it.
The baby.
She was constantly reminded of the existence she was supposed to forget. The child her parents would have cherished as much as her own happiness had stayed with her for only a fleeting moment before vanishing like a shadow.
It was a memory she could never erase. And yet, she knew it was a memory she had to bury deep within her heart. If she continued to dwell on the child who had disappeared before ever making its presence known, she feared she would never escape the past.
Even now, merely reflecting on that time made her breath catch and the blood in her veins run cold. Sometimes her thoughts would freeze entirely, leaving her paralyzed for a moment. A searing guilt, hot as a furnace, would flare up without warning, carving scars into her heart.
She had thought she was finally becoming resilient enough to handle it, but perhaps because she had just come from seeing Declan—a man who was essentially the perpetrator—her mind was in a state of total disarray. The breath she drew was stained with a pain that she suspected would never fully heal.
[Dina] "My Lady?"
She snapped out of her daze at Dina’s call.
[Dina] "Is something the matter?"
[Vanessa] "It’s nothing."
She tore her gaze away from the portrait and started walking again.
True to her lively nature, Dina chatted incessantly as they walked. She listened quietly, finding the energetic voice as pleasant as birdsong.
Compared to the treatment she had received at the Grand Duchy in her previous life, she was genuinely grateful for Dina’s friendly presence. Back then, she had been so lonely, with no one to share even the most trivial conversation. It had felt as if she were walking through a tunnel of eternal solitude every day.
[Dina] "But, My Lady..."
Dina, who had been recounting a small incident among the servants from this morning, suddenly changed her tone.
[Dina] "Has something happened lately?"
She asked cautiously, her voice uncharacteristically hushed. Not understanding the intent behind the question, Vanessa turned to look at her.
[Vanessa] "Why do you ask so suddenly?"
[Dina] "Ah, well, the truth is..."
Dina’s eyes darted around as if wondering if she should have spoken at all, but she couldn't withstand her lady's steady gaze.
[Dina] "I feel like your aura has changed a bit recently."
[Vanessa] "Mine?"
[Dina] "Yes. A little. Um... how should I put it? You seem much more mature."
Vanessa understood the fumbling explanation perfectly.
Before the regression—before she had been dragged through the dirt—she had been nothing more than a Count’s daughter. She was a noblewoman who knew little of the harsh world, indulged in moderate luxuries, and accepted the deference of others as her natural right.
But after her peaceful life was shattered by Declan’s hands, the reality she had once taken for granted was smashed into pieces.
Even now, she would occasionally shudder. The memories were so wretched that she sometimes found it hard to believe she had actually returned to the past. She could not forget the version of herself that had been dying like a withered flower, imprisoned in a bedroom at the Grand Duchy.
Whenever she struggled through that past agony, it always ended in a surge of hatred for Declan. With a heart so full of malice, she couldn't remain the innocent girl she once was.
[Dina] "You used to smile so often, but lately, it feels like you don't do that much anymore..."
Vanessa was quite surprised. She had always considered Dina to be rather unobservant, thinking she wouldn't need to put on an act around her.
However, looking at it another way, this meant Dina was paying a great deal of attention to her. No one would seriously note the changes in someone they didn't care about.
[Vanessa] "I think I'm just a bit tired. As you know, Dina, there are so many things to attend to with the imperial wedding preparations."
[Dina] "Oh, is that it?"
[Vanessa] "Yes. So there’s no need to worry."
By the time she finished speaking with a faint smile, they had arrived at the study. Dina vanished in a flash, promising to bring some tea that was good for relieving fatigue.
Vanessa knocked and stepped inside quietly.
[Vanessa] "Father. May I come in?"
Count Rohawk, who had been working, brightened at the sight of his daughter. Their meetings for conversation had become a natural part of their daily routine.
She sat on the sun-drenched sofa and took a sip of the tea. The tea Dina had brought—the one supposed to be good for fatigue—had a wonderful aroma, even if its effects were yet to be seen.
[Count] "So, I heard you had luncheon with the Crown Prince?"
[Vanessa] "Yes."
Of course, the peaceful luncheon had been completely ruined by an uninvited guest. By now, Hayden would have long since returned to the dining hall. She had been so desperate to escape that she hadn't even thought to have the messy table cleared.
She wondered if Declan, left alone, had ordered the servants to clean it. Or rather, it was more likely that he had left it exactly as it was to ensure Hayden would grow suspicious.
[Count] "You two spend a lot of time together."
At her father's voice, she forced herself to stop thinking about Declan.
[Vanessa] "We haven't had much time to get to know one another."
[Count] "His Highness' reputation has been well-known since his youth... but is he so gentle when you are alone with him?"
[Vanessa] "Yes. Even though it must be a nuisance, he always looks after me with such care."
He observed his daughter from across the table.
Since his daughter’s sudden confession, he had been unable to sleep. The Crown Prince's reputation within the empire was beyond reproach, and for the Count's family, joining the Imperial family was an honor to be grateful for.
But for Count Rohawk, such public matters weren't important at all. His only concern was...
His daughter's marriage.
He knew the moment would come eventually, but he hadn't expected it so soon. The thought that his daughter would soon leave his protection to become someone's wife brought a wave of melancholy every time he considered it.
He was relieved the suitor wasn't some shameless scoundrel but the Crown Prince, famous for his gentle nature. Still, as a doting father, no groom would ever feel good enough in his eyes.
And above all...
[Count] "Ahem... Vanessa."
[Vanessa] "Yes, Father."
The look in his daughter's eyes as she turned to him was full of affection.
When she first confessed that she had "held the Crown Prince in her heart," he had been so flustered that he hadn't had the chance to look closely. It was the first time she had ever brought up such an intimate subject, so his reaction was only natural.
But looking back now... no, there was no need to look back. Even looking at her this very second...
[Count] "Is the reason you want this marriage genuinely because you have feelings for the Crown Prince?"
Vanessa, who was tilting her teacup, went still.
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